How to be a Cloud for Halloween (in less than 12 hours):STEP 1: Go to American Apparel after picking up groceries only minutes before getting dinner for 6 together. Tell husband, don't worry, you'll only be five minutes while he waits in the car.
STEP 2: Ask girl near sale bin if there are anymore silver spandex leggings in something larger than XS and also will it be obscene to stuff my fat ass in silver spandex leggings size XS?
STEP 3: Listen to the girl reply, "Well, these are like, a really good deal because normally they're $34.99 but today they're only $10 because you know, like, it's Halloween this weekend."
STEP 4: Ask her if this amazing discount will make my ass look any smaller. Or if Halloween will make my ass look any smaller.
STEP 5: Watch her nervously say, she really doesn't know.
STEP 6: Ask if they have any jackets to go with the XS silver spandex leggings.
STEP 7: Go inside and buy a silver spandex jacket (only size available: XS) for 50% off because you know like, it's Halloween (and I guess they don't sell as well as they used to, an industry secret).
STEP 8: Buy the whole kit and kaboodle, plus a shirt the color of the sky. Get suckered into another one at half off.
STEP 9: Wake up early and a little hungover an hour before leaving for a little kid party and call Value Drug in Huntington, Lawng Island. Order 36 helium-filled white balloons.
STEP 10: Go to sports shop and buy silver swim cap because in theory I am supposed to be the silver lining (sadly end up looking like the tin man or as Rachel said "a space monkey shit shoveler".)
STEP 11: Go home and make husband try on silver spandex outfit. Laugh and laugh.
STEP 12: Put outfit on and adapt to how tight it is.
STEP 13: Get in car and put on a cloud-like application of face paint while listening to the Beasty Boys. Feel pretty cool. Wave to people in other cars.
STEP 14: Run in to Value Drug in Huntigton, Lawng Island, pick up balloons while no one gives me a second glance, in silver spandex outfit, see balloons there behind the counter and say to the little kid in line, "I'm a cloud."
STEP 15: Crash party. Tell kids, "I'm a cloud." Hand out little glow in the dark stars and tell kids, "I found these in the sky for you." Listen to kids chant "CLOUD. CLOUD. CLOUD." and ask, hey can I have a balloon?" Tell them "no".
The moral of this story is, whether or not you actually look like a cloud, if you tell people you're a cloud, you're a cloud. Best Halloween ever.